[personal profile] shini_fanfic
Fandom: Homestuck.



He envies Dirk.

He envies him for his body, for being able to touch and taste and smell, while he can only see and hear what passes through the computer. He envies him for being ‘real’, for being the one that Jake and Jane want to speak to, for being the one they treat like a human.

He envies him for his ability to dream. He can think but he cannot dream. He can set himself to sleep mode, but it is not the same, and he cannot connect to the dream self.

He has some memories of Derse. He can recall the colours, the structures, the dersites walking the streets. He can remember the feel of flight, air moving against his face. The coppery tang like blood that hovers in the obsidian skyscape.

He can remember the touch of Roxy’s silky hair as Dirk brushed it away from the sleeping girl’s face.

He wishes he someday could feel it again.

___________________

Slowly but surely, the bright flame of flushed affection for Dirk has paled to searing coals. No less hot, their friendship stronger than her foolish crush, but different and less passionate. They are friends now. Something close to the morails described by UU, if one wanted to analyze it further.

Sometimes she thinks a small flame burns for him again, but Roxy does not entertain the thoughts. She knows better than to waste her efforts on a man who does not even like her gender.

With the Auto Responder it is not so easy.

He responds favourably when she pretends to flirt, and even when her pretence begins to become a little too real. She tries not to let her feelings grow because surely there’ll come a day when he is enamoured with some man and stops appreciating the ‘ironic’ flirtation.

She can’t bring herself to stop. It’s as much an addiction as the alcohol.

___________________

He wishes he could be the one to take care of Roxy when she sleeps. He wishes it was him, her prince come to pull the sleeping princess away from the void that tries to pull her in. Every night he’s a little more disappointed when she gives in to sleep and slips out of his range.

He tries to convince himself it’s for the best. He is nothing but an AI, a machine. A program inside a pair of glasses. He cannot kiss her, he cannot hold her, he cannot be there for her.

Dirk is there, to take care of her in Derse. Sooner or later the Prince will realize what she means to him.

He knows what it means when Dirk gets angry about their flirting. He knows why Dirk wants to see the transcripts. He’s jealous, and he knows this because he would be too.

But if it makes her happy, he’ll try to move things along.

___________________

They talk most at night. Roxy is a night person and often the loneliness grips her particularly hard at that time, while the others are asleep. At first it’s that: She needs company, and he does not sleep. He can be up to provide her with the conversation she needs to keep herself somewhat grounded.

She is not like Dirk, who can subside off a few conversations a day over the internet. Roxy is extroverted where he is introverted. But she is alone in a large house, and she can’t get the human contact she craves.

It’s ironic that the one who gives her the closest thing isn’t even really a human.

They talk long into the night. Sometimes ‘flirting’, sometimes just talking. Sometimes she cries and drinks and her typing gets even worse and he calms her down, tells her that it’ll be alright and that there are people who care and that someday soon, Jane will stop thinking she’s lying when she tells her about her dead mother. Irony slips away in those moments, becoming something private and personal.

He doesn’t let Dirk see those transcripts.

___________________

She feels loved when they talk, even if it’s just roleplay. In their chats he’s a gentleman who hugs her when she’s down and hangs out with her and just simply cares. She sometimes fantasizes that it’s real, that perhaps it’d happen someday.

But she has to remind herself that he gay, and a pair of glasses, and that, just as Dirk does, he like Jake. Just like everyone kind of likes Jake.

Even she kind of likes Jake. It’s taking time to smother that flame. Something about him reminds her of a dream she once had. But it’s just a dream.

She’s told the Auto Responder about this, partially because she knows he can relate and partially because maybe that’ll move their relationship to something a little more platonic. A little safer. Maybe then when they flirt it can be entirely ironic on her part.

It doesn’t really work, even though he sympathized and helped her to work through it, told her about what Jake thinks about the AI’s feelings as a whole. The attempt at palebonding left her as flushed as before.

It did make her feel better about Jake, though. In more than one way.

___________________

Being considered to be emotionless by someone you like has a way of trashing your affection for them pretty fast. He’s long over Jake, though the adolescent fantasies of while he was still Dirk are annoying to remember.

Jane doesn’t really think he has emotions either. She’s polite and thinks he’s amusing, but he’s just that to her: an amusement. He’s not a person.

Roxy treats him like he’s real. To her, he’s just as much a person as anyone else is. Because she knows that a mind is just a machine. An organic machine. And she says that if humans have souls too then somehow he’s got one too. She’s certain of it.

He wishes he could smile when she tells him that. But he has no lips to smile with.

___________________

He’s the only one who doesn’t treat her like a silly drunk. He looks past the typoes and the incoherent text to find what she really means, what she really thinks. Not even Dirk does that all the time.

Auto Responder doesn’t just believe her, he listens. Sometimes his comfort is even unironic. She looks forward to talking to him even more than talking to Dirk.

The revelation hits her one day like a sack of potatoes to the head, painful and sudden.

Somehow she’s fallen in love with him.

___________________

As an AI, he’s analytical enough to know what he’s feeling. He doesn’t have to contend with the hormones and misdoubt. He just knows.

He also knows it cannot be. He’s a fashion accessory. The closest they could ever get is if she put him on. When she’s sad he cannot hold her. When she’s happy he cannot kiss her. He couldn’t make love to her. Better that Dirk gets his butt in gear and realizes what she means to him so that he can be what his auto responder cannot.

But all the same, he knows, without a shadow of a doubt…

Somehow he’s fallen in love with her.

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shini_fanfic

June 2012

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